lunes, 4 de marzo de 2019

Bizarre March: Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros

For a better experience, open the video in a different window and read the translation while it plays.



IÑAKI QUINTANA: Bizarre Frame!

-Again, please!

-It’s March.

IQ: Ma… Eh?

-March, March.

-The month.

IQ: March? Ah! Bizarre March!

Whoever follows Bizarre March will remember last year’s Final Fighter review with Hales. He also has appeared in “House of Darkington”, The Hurricane Crossover and some shitposting videos in my backup channels. Without leaving examples of creators who collaborated on Bizarre March last year, have you noticed they generally have a review-show and a fighting-game? Fictitious or real? For example, “Gravity Falls Plagiarism” was a collaboration with Detective Enigma, who has “The Enigma Archives” review-show, Lawl Nitro and Lawl Nitro.

-And a promising career as a rapper.

Poor toothless predator,
We are in the same league,
At least you can feel that.

Enemil has Nreview and also works in MUGEN. Hales takes all that to another level because draws and develops his own games apart from reviewing. But instead of creating his own Lawl or MUGEN, he directly programs games. And the one that has influenced his style is “Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros” (Dick-smacks, Uglies and Blow-dungeons).

Extract from his video: Juegation

The weird part of this game is that the name wasn’t born from the game, but the game was born from its name. I asked a friend: “How should we name the game?”, and he answered me, “Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros”. I can’t remember if he said more ideas, but I left with that one.

Like he well-explains, it’s a fighting game without commercial intentions that was created little by little on the march, with plenty of in-jokes and memes. He stopped updating it after losing the files in an old computer and preferred to work in the sequel, which we call “Pollardos”… but with a 2, (Pollar2) doing a little pause in between: Pollar-dos.

*Demonstration of Pollar2*

Hales might be the most underrated creator in this circle of Aviewers or Revengeverse if we compare content with diffusion. I could say all of us are part of a group full of underrated creators, but Hales’ case is downright criminal. While I’m working on this video, he has just 15 subscribers. I can’t understand it! I feel the urge to share his creations! Because in cases like Enemil, Skapokon or Mireda it should be me the one scratching views.

MATIAS THE RED ROBOT SAYS: “But don’t get ahead of ourselves, let’s speak about the 1 first.”

Pollardos 1 didn’t have any competitive pretentiousness. All the attacks are spammable and you can solve everything trough goat-doukens.

*First time pollarding*

-Uuh, fuck, fuck, fuck…

It’s said the designers of Overwatch wanted so much variety that players would discover their main fighter as soon as they see it for the first time. The character that caught my eyes for the first time was Cabraman (Goatman), but I’m very cripple with him. Not even buying his lawlmiibo I was able to main him. Another character I love is Sombi, for its simplicity. It feels like the generic enemy of a franchise, the Piranha Plant of Pollardos.


But for me, the character with the most layers is Matias the Red Robot. I’m going to explain the joke because it’s a perfect cycle. Skapokon reviewed a game called “Rise of the Robots”, where this character appears… (Matias the Red Robot says: “Say no to drugs”) So he joked calling it “Matias the Red Robot”. It became a gag in the Revengeverse and we even used it in “Infernals & Lemons”. So it’s a character originating from a fighting GAME, it became a reduced MEME in a group and ended becoming another fighting-game character. The cycle itself is part of a bigger one. Matias is a joke by Skapokon that ended in Hales’ game. Skapokon put Reddy in Lawl Nova, a joke-character created by me, and I put Hales as a commenter in Super Hermanos Esmasios.

*It’s like poetry, it rhymes*

Hales created the characters by generations, each one more complex and well-defined. The first were very polygonal and their humor very random, without central themes. It makes sense that the characters I like the most are those who parody a set of clichés, like Cabraman the ninjas or Distorto the mad scientists. Then we have Flor (Flower), the character with the design and moveset I like the most, but I find difficult to control her. And for the character I like the least, I would say the tank. It’s like an effort of making the biggest and most random fighter possible, it annoys me a lot. We also have Mr. Tok, a violinist stickman rooster who turns into a football and uses to be the first broken enemy in the arcade mode. If Mr. Tok doesn’t end you, SEÑOR MIMO (MIME MISTER) will do it. His name is Etienne, but it’s unreadable. For me, they are the MATT from Pollardos. If they don’t finish you, Distorto will do it. Why am I feeling that Distorto is the actual villain of the game even if he’s not a boss? In the end, when I’m not able of solving everything trough goatdoukens, it’s time to change to Matias… the Blue Robot.

*Guantanamera plays in Hereditary style*

What happens is that depending on which button you use to select the character, the color changes. And pressing behind you block… interesting mechanic for a fighting game… Matias doesn’t need goatdoukens because he relies in nukes, like any good North-American, even if it’s normal to lose against Señor Mimo. After some rounds, there is a horde battle where your bro Cabraman helps you.

MANZANORRO: Consider yourself defeated, noob!

Manzanorro and Perolo (Apple and Pear) are the mandatory Shotoclones of the game, Ryu and Ken’s Echo Fighters.

-I’m going to be the best fighter of all times!

*Manzanorro attacks and is defeated.*

Later, Internet Explorer appears as a mini-boss and screws with your interface, but it’s relatively easy. Then the new challengers approach. The first is Mochigan, who parodies big-boobed succubus and vampires. Pancake Panda follows, which at least in my case is the first character where spamming does nothing and I have to make-up an strategy. Specially, because he takes out… a sai… that… well… shoots fire… a sai that shoots a lot of ninja fire! And prepare to hear this once and again.

*Matias loses to the mantra*

When the attack starts, the game pauses for a couple of seconds and you can’t move. Then, I learnt than pushing the behind button you blocked…

*Matias uses Ultra Instinct with a Hausu mash-up*

Finally, the antagonist that names the game: Mazmorros. He’s clearly the final boss, falling in the King Koopa Copy archetype: “a villain that is a big, brutish, and monstrous tyrant, like Bowser”. I didn’t record myself defeating him, but there are no custom endings, so I will leave it here.

JUAN MERIENDA: The final boss of the game is King, Mazmorro is just the second to last enemy. It’s on the manual! This is shameful, yub-yub!

Thanks… Juan Merienda. Fortunately, I don’t have to pass the arcade mode again to show you King because the Juegation says trivia and secrets like using the secret bosses King, Chiquito de la Calzada and the 100% real Marcianito. And the combat is by default on my favorite backfround: Salchipapa Island.


And… what does Pollar2 have to be 2? First, jojokes!

-Did they have jojos?

Obviously, as an uncultured who hasn’t watch The Jojos, I thought that Pollardo now was just a PanPizza fanboy. Someday he will notice me…


On the other hand, Pollar2 improves the gameplay. It’s not about spamming anymore. You have six buttons to attack: A-S-D are regular, Q-W-E specials and pressing Down-Forward and Q/W/E, you do a super-attack. You don’t throw hadoukens… unless you pick Cabraman… or Best Banana, who substitutes Manzanorro and Perolo as the only mandatory Shotoclone.


The roster of Pollar2 is way better than the first. The characters are more original and their randomness thematic. Furthermore, the new designs are still simple but show character development. For example, Distorto is now a cyborj. Flor is a rose with a more adult look. Mochigan is a diabolic teacher with a table made of Sombi. Matias has a different design. And the N-bot from the darkest timeline wants to end the human race. About the new characters, we have everything. Olorum Piratesi is the son of two fighters who don’t return from the 1. Millennium Man is used as a sandbag in the videos that show the attacks, an amazing detail taking in mind his screams are the most irritating and that he attacks with dank memes. There is a gummy girl who can do ingenious combos with her bubbles. Then, we have the typical dead girl who will unavoidably kickstart very bad creepypasta and actually horrific Rule 34. There is a robot girl who attacks immolating herself like Darkpokon, which I will solve in his update… There is also Incineroach… My favorites are Mothgirl, a woman who attacks with cryptozoologic creatures, and Stella, a mixture of Wai and a flying source. I even made humanized pixel-art for them! There are more, but I can’t think in anything ingenious to say about them. And all this… is just a demo! So we can expect even more characters and modes. Moreover, it requires some patches. For example, I finished the arcade mode just getting close to the enemy with Sir Clyde and spamming button D until killing them. Doing this, I even defeated the only boss for now… Ultra Instinct Internet Explorer.

For now, this is the bit of sand I can put to make this content a little more known. Hales is clearly motivated with this game and the time he previously used for Reseñación or other projects goes for Pollar2 (but I’m still hoping for the “A Ghost Story” reupload and the “Dragon Hill” review). Seeing the improvements from one game to the other, I can tell it’s a well-used time and it’s worth continuing.

(All the drawings are by Hales)

Who knows, maybe in the future it becomes some kind of franchise that covers multiple genres. And well, nowadays, any good fighting game requires some Guest Characters, so I’m making a little top 5 fighters I would love to see in Pollar2, without any particular order.

Numer 1 and 2: Hales mentioned in Juecation he was working at the same time in a Yume Nikki parody called “You Me Nikki” and “RevengeVersus”, so Melina and Hales wouldn’t be shameless self-inserts and he could recycle the movesets.

Number 3: Ketchup Norris from Telegordo, which is like a spiritual prequel of Pollardos and we already covered it in my show. So you can easily find about what it is. I would love to see how Hales reinterprets Ketchup Norris having the same style of humor and the artstyle is reminiscent of the first game. Moreover, Hales already reinterpreted Voltiok Atomic, avatar of Telegordo creator himself, for Reseñación.

Number 2: KHU-ZU. A character from last year’s Bizarre, March that was an effort of creating a character in the style of Hales. In fact, he designed it. There is not yet a fighter with Egyptian theme, so it could do the job. As a fun fact, when I described needing a pyramid with extremities, Hales designed KHU-ZU’s Waifu. It made me laugh so hard I had to include her in the video and gave them a vehicle.

And Number 1, which may count as an Original Character, so it wouldn’t be an actual guest, I humanized Thin Air, my favorite character from another fictitious game: All Star Smashers. It’s based on the joke that Waluigi was a character created as Wario’s tennis partner. The funny thing about Tina R. is that she plays sports with invisible instruments and her teammates are always… Thin Air.

If not, Reddy the Wizard returns from Hell. He offers a lot of creative freedom, his moveset from Lawl Nova could be recycled changing stuff… And if there are not going to be guest fighters, I would love to see more obvious gags and reinterpretations like Matias the Red Robot. I hope this video works enough so people skims Hales’ channel, so he’s supported the same way he supports us, and next year I could speak about more semi-unknown projects like this, or the stop-motion film Casa, since its main character is a dog with walking animation and doesn’t go over the world dragging his ass.

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