lunes, 4 de marzo de 2019

Bizarre March: Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros

For a better experience, open the video in a different window and read the translation while it plays.



IÑAKI QUINTANA: Bizarre Frame!

-Again, please!

-It’s March.

IQ: Ma… Eh?

-March, March.

-The month.

IQ: March? Ah! Bizarre March!

Whoever follows Bizarre March will remember last year’s Final Fighter review with Hales. He also has appeared in “House of Darkington”, The Hurricane Crossover and some shitposting videos in my backup channels. Without leaving examples of creators who collaborated on Bizarre March last year, have you noticed they generally have a review-show and a fighting-game? Fictitious or real? For example, “Gravity Falls Plagiarism” was a collaboration with Detective Enigma, who has “The Enigma Archives” review-show, Lawl Nitro and Lawl Nitro.

-And a promising career as a rapper.

Poor toothless predator,
We are in the same league,
At least you can feel that.

Enemil has Nreview and also works in MUGEN. Hales takes all that to another level because draws and develops his own games apart from reviewing. But instead of creating his own Lawl or MUGEN, he directly programs games. And the one that has influenced his style is “Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros” (Dick-smacks, Uglies and Blow-dungeons).

Extract from his video: Juegation

The weird part of this game is that the name wasn’t born from the game, but the game was born from its name. I asked a friend: “How should we name the game?”, and he answered me, “Pollardos, Feos y Mazmorros”. I can’t remember if he said more ideas, but I left with that one.

Like he well-explains, it’s a fighting game without commercial intentions that was created little by little on the march, with plenty of in-jokes and memes. He stopped updating it after losing the files in an old computer and preferred to work in the sequel, which we call “Pollardos”… but with a 2, (Pollar2) doing a little pause in between: Pollar-dos.

*Demonstration of Pollar2*

Hales might be the most underrated creator in this circle of Aviewers or Revengeverse if we compare content with diffusion. I could say all of us are part of a group full of underrated creators, but Hales’ case is downright criminal. While I’m working on this video, he has just 15 subscribers. I can’t understand it! I feel the urge to share his creations! Because in cases like Enemil, Skapokon or Mireda it should be me the one scratching views.

MATIAS THE RED ROBOT SAYS: “But don’t get ahead of ourselves, let’s speak about the 1 first.”

Pollardos 1 didn’t have any competitive pretentiousness. All the attacks are spammable and you can solve everything trough goat-doukens.

*First time pollarding*

-Uuh, fuck, fuck, fuck…

It’s said the designers of Overwatch wanted so much variety that players would discover their main fighter as soon as they see it for the first time. The character that caught my eyes for the first time was Cabraman (Goatman), but I’m very cripple with him. Not even buying his lawlmiibo I was able to main him. Another character I love is Sombi, for its simplicity. It feels like the generic enemy of a franchise, the Piranha Plant of Pollardos.


But for me, the character with the most layers is Matias the Red Robot. I’m going to explain the joke because it’s a perfect cycle. Skapokon reviewed a game called “Rise of the Robots”, where this character appears… (Matias the Red Robot says: “Say no to drugs”) So he joked calling it “Matias the Red Robot”. It became a gag in the Revengeverse and we even used it in “Infernals & Lemons”. So it’s a character originating from a fighting GAME, it became a reduced MEME in a group and ended becoming another fighting-game character. The cycle itself is part of a bigger one. Matias is a joke by Skapokon that ended in Hales’ game. Skapokon put Reddy in Lawl Nova, a joke-character created by me, and I put Hales as a commenter in Super Hermanos Esmasios.

*It’s like poetry, it rhymes*

Hales created the characters by generations, each one more complex and well-defined. The first were very polygonal and their humor very random, without central themes. It makes sense that the characters I like the most are those who parody a set of clichés, like Cabraman the ninjas or Distorto the mad scientists. Then we have Flor (Flower), the character with the design and moveset I like the most, but I find difficult to control her. And for the character I like the least, I would say the tank. It’s like an effort of making the biggest and most random fighter possible, it annoys me a lot. We also have Mr. Tok, a violinist stickman rooster who turns into a football and uses to be the first broken enemy in the arcade mode. If Mr. Tok doesn’t end you, SEÑOR MIMO (MIME MISTER) will do it. His name is Etienne, but it’s unreadable. For me, they are the MATT from Pollardos. If they don’t finish you, Distorto will do it. Why am I feeling that Distorto is the actual villain of the game even if he’s not a boss? In the end, when I’m not able of solving everything trough goatdoukens, it’s time to change to Matias… the Blue Robot.

*Guantanamera plays in Hereditary style*

What happens is that depending on which button you use to select the character, the color changes. And pressing behind you block… interesting mechanic for a fighting game… Matias doesn’t need goatdoukens because he relies in nukes, like any good North-American, even if it’s normal to lose against Señor Mimo. After some rounds, there is a horde battle where your bro Cabraman helps you.

MANZANORRO: Consider yourself defeated, noob!

Manzanorro and Perolo (Apple and Pear) are the mandatory Shotoclones of the game, Ryu and Ken’s Echo Fighters.

-I’m going to be the best fighter of all times!

*Manzanorro attacks and is defeated.*

Later, Internet Explorer appears as a mini-boss and screws with your interface, but it’s relatively easy. Then the new challengers approach. The first is Mochigan, who parodies big-boobed succubus and vampires. Pancake Panda follows, which at least in my case is the first character where spamming does nothing and I have to make-up an strategy. Specially, because he takes out… a sai… that… well… shoots fire… a sai that shoots a lot of ninja fire! And prepare to hear this once and again.

*Matias loses to the mantra*

When the attack starts, the game pauses for a couple of seconds and you can’t move. Then, I learnt than pushing the behind button you blocked…

*Matias uses Ultra Instinct with a Hausu mash-up*

Finally, the antagonist that names the game: Mazmorros. He’s clearly the final boss, falling in the King Koopa Copy archetype: “a villain that is a big, brutish, and monstrous tyrant, like Bowser”. I didn’t record myself defeating him, but there are no custom endings, so I will leave it here.

JUAN MERIENDA: The final boss of the game is King, Mazmorro is just the second to last enemy. It’s on the manual! This is shameful, yub-yub!

Thanks… Juan Merienda. Fortunately, I don’t have to pass the arcade mode again to show you King because the Juegation says trivia and secrets like using the secret bosses King, Chiquito de la Calzada and the 100% real Marcianito. And the combat is by default on my favorite backfround: Salchipapa Island.


And… what does Pollar2 have to be 2? First, jojokes!

-Did they have jojos?

Obviously, as an uncultured who hasn’t watch The Jojos, I thought that Pollardo now was just a PanPizza fanboy. Someday he will notice me…


On the other hand, Pollar2 improves the gameplay. It’s not about spamming anymore. You have six buttons to attack: A-S-D are regular, Q-W-E specials and pressing Down-Forward and Q/W/E, you do a super-attack. You don’t throw hadoukens… unless you pick Cabraman… or Best Banana, who substitutes Manzanorro and Perolo as the only mandatory Shotoclone.


The roster of Pollar2 is way better than the first. The characters are more original and their randomness thematic. Furthermore, the new designs are still simple but show character development. For example, Distorto is now a cyborj. Flor is a rose with a more adult look. Mochigan is a diabolic teacher with a table made of Sombi. Matias has a different design. And the N-bot from the darkest timeline wants to end the human race. About the new characters, we have everything. Olorum Piratesi is the son of two fighters who don’t return from the 1. Millennium Man is used as a sandbag in the videos that show the attacks, an amazing detail taking in mind his screams are the most irritating and that he attacks with dank memes. There is a gummy girl who can do ingenious combos with her bubbles. Then, we have the typical dead girl who will unavoidably kickstart very bad creepypasta and actually horrific Rule 34. There is a robot girl who attacks immolating herself like Darkpokon, which I will solve in his update… There is also Incineroach… My favorites are Mothgirl, a woman who attacks with cryptozoologic creatures, and Stella, a mixture of Wai and a flying source. I even made humanized pixel-art for them! There are more, but I can’t think in anything ingenious to say about them. And all this… is just a demo! So we can expect even more characters and modes. Moreover, it requires some patches. For example, I finished the arcade mode just getting close to the enemy with Sir Clyde and spamming button D until killing them. Doing this, I even defeated the only boss for now… Ultra Instinct Internet Explorer.

For now, this is the bit of sand I can put to make this content a little more known. Hales is clearly motivated with this game and the time he previously used for Reseñación or other projects goes for Pollar2 (but I’m still hoping for the “A Ghost Story” reupload and the “Dragon Hill” review). Seeing the improvements from one game to the other, I can tell it’s a well-used time and it’s worth continuing.

(All the drawings are by Hales)

Who knows, maybe in the future it becomes some kind of franchise that covers multiple genres. And well, nowadays, any good fighting game requires some Guest Characters, so I’m making a little top 5 fighters I would love to see in Pollar2, without any particular order.

Numer 1 and 2: Hales mentioned in Juecation he was working at the same time in a Yume Nikki parody called “You Me Nikki” and “RevengeVersus”, so Melina and Hales wouldn’t be shameless self-inserts and he could recycle the movesets.

Number 3: Ketchup Norris from Telegordo, which is like a spiritual prequel of Pollardos and we already covered it in my show. So you can easily find about what it is. I would love to see how Hales reinterprets Ketchup Norris having the same style of humor and the artstyle is reminiscent of the first game. Moreover, Hales already reinterpreted Voltiok Atomic, avatar of Telegordo creator himself, for Reseñación.

Number 2: KHU-ZU. A character from last year’s Bizarre, March that was an effort of creating a character in the style of Hales. In fact, he designed it. There is not yet a fighter with Egyptian theme, so it could do the job. As a fun fact, when I described needing a pyramid with extremities, Hales designed KHU-ZU’s Waifu. It made me laugh so hard I had to include her in the video and gave them a vehicle.

And Number 1, which may count as an Original Character, so it wouldn’t be an actual guest, I humanized Thin Air, my favorite character from another fictitious game: All Star Smashers. It’s based on the joke that Waluigi was a character created as Wario’s tennis partner. The funny thing about Tina R. is that she plays sports with invisible instruments and her teammates are always… Thin Air.

If not, Reddy the Wizard returns from Hell. He offers a lot of creative freedom, his moveset from Lawl Nova could be recycled changing stuff… And if there are not going to be guest fighters, I would love to see more obvious gags and reinterpretations like Matias the Red Robot. I hope this video works enough so people skims Hales’ channel, so he’s supported the same way he supports us, and next year I could speak about more semi-unknown projects like this, or the stop-motion film Casa, since its main character is a dog with walking animation and doesn’t go over the world dragging his ass.

jueves, 28 de febrero de 2019

Bizarre March: Hausu (Bilbao Series Land)

For a better experience, open the video in a different window and read the translation while it plays.

Four years. Four years making the show. Four years making “Aitor Molina Vs”. Actually, I’m very late with the anniversary specials. But there is something that I did manage to maintain consistent for four years. In 2016, I started the tradition of dedicating a certain month to a handful of analysis of audiovisual content. Analysis of “weird stuff”. In 2017, I made them longer and they occupied almost the entire year. While in 2018, I made them as collaborations with other creators of online content. This 2019 will have a bit of everything. I want each year to be better than the previous. Discover new things and make them known. Watching unusual audiovisual media, learning from them, surprising myself and sharing those experiences. And this magical and scientific month is known as:


Since every year I start with something more meta than the rest, I’m going to explain the original plan I had for this premiere. Bilbao Series Land is a festival that each year receives more attention from the media and productions of increasing quality. Moreover, they were able to produce the first season of the webseries “Otsoen Lurraldean” (In the Land of Wolves) in 2018, which I could easily review if you show interest in the comments. Every year, I assist with more intention to meet directors all over the world instead of presenting my own projects. So I asked for permission to record interviews of the guests on the day of the gala, when there is animation in the exterior of Guggenheim Museum. And then…

*Dramatic cue*

Bilbao remembered it was Bilbao and started to pour. The guests dispersed in the museum and so many people were gathered in the building there was too much noise. My intention was asking people all over the world about the weirdest films they had ever watched and edit a report-style Bizarre March with their responses. Also using the chance to promote their works and give a brief opinion on them. I had enough interviewing at least one guest who generated a good debate and repeat the experience in 2019. Going in days the event is done on interiors instead of recording in the gala. So I could just interview two people: Steve Baker from Australia and the actor Iñaki Quintana, who I knew for plenty of short films, music videos, theatre, TV and webseries like the aforementioned Otsoen Lurraldean. Long story short, he’s a mastodon.


-Which is the weirdest film you have ever watched?

-There are plenty of weird films everywhere, but maybe the one that impressed me the most was “Cannibal Holocaust”. There was an unfounded rumor that was a real film by people who actually killed and raped an indigenous woman and cut her into pieces. Nowadays, there are a lot of movies with zombies and so that are very hard to watch, but the one that scared me the most and made me believe was Cannibal Holocaust.

-Thank you.

-You’re welcome.

In the other hand, Steve Baker is the creator of the animation and live-action mash-up “This is Desmondo Ray!”. The prologue, which is not the first episode, has Desmondo Ray introducing himself in a dating video. The rest of episodes are a mix of slice of life and magic realism with the character being childish but trying to find people who understands him. The mini-series has a bit of continuity, because sometimes concepts or secondary characters that later reappear are introduced, and it can be watch in less than an hour. My favorite episode is the prologue, which reminds me to “Mary and Max”. Being the video for a dating show, I think the format is very original. I will leave the webpage in the description so you can watch it. When I asked Steve Baker about the weirdest film he had ever seen, he answered:

-It’s a Japanese film we call House in Australia, but I think it’s pronounce Hausu.

-Yes, in Japanese it’s Hausu.

*Title drop*

-It’s like this explosion of images and animation… Just bizarre. I couldn’t follow the story, I didn’t think that I needed, I just had a lot of fun with it. But yeah, that’s by far the weirdest thing I’ve ever seen.

I’m glad Steve let me talk about Hausu in Bizarre March, because it’s one of the reviews I always wanted to make. It’s a very strange horror-comedy with happy-ass music starring some cute schoolgirls. There are constantly filters and plays with the image, it’s very trippy.

-I mean, the effects are so…bizarre and dated than they add to the experience as well.

Both image and sound are crazy, but without falling into Sensory Abuse or Ear Rape. For example, this take is recorded behind a window that creates a sense of fragmentation, an effect that we will later see in a more explicit way. The protagonist is called “Oshare” or “Gorgeous”. (Image of Precious Maren) Almost. And she is disappointed because her father is going to remarry. She feels he’s dishonoring the memory of her late mother. Gorgeous and her friends have names that describe their flat personalities: Melody the musician, Sweet the affectionate, Fanta(sy) the imaginative, Prof the smart one, Mac the gluttonous and, my favorite, Kung Fu. I love the later because her friends are always calling for her help. She’s like a pokemon. Somebody gets trapped? Kung Fu frees her with a kick.

*Kung Fu kicks a door*

Ghosts attack? Kung Fu fights them and she often wins.

*Kung Fu fights a lamp*

It’s the opposite of what you expect for a horror film, where the convenient is having vulnerable main characters to create tension. The problem with talking about Hausu is that it’s easy just to recommend it, showing little clips to convince. Part of the fun is not to know what you’re getting and lower the guard with the cheesy scenes. There are no jump-scares and what someone could find hilarious could creep another one. This kind of scenes that show you are watching a film are very common nowadays. Specially, in series for the net with YouTubePoop elements like “The Frollo Show” or the 3GI production company. The uncontrolled mixture of genres lets for example showing the backstory of Gorgeous’ aunt as a silent film. It’s very simple at a narrative level and uses conventionalisms like Fantasy’s camera breaking by itself and people believing she’s making things up. Sometimes, you don’t even know if you are seeing something paranormal, an effect or just Charles Xavier doing his stuff. The first victim of the house is Mac, because the fat girl has to be the one who dies first if there are not black people.

GORGEOUS’ AUNT: Mac, you are a cute fatty, very tasty.

Fanta finds Mac’s head in a well and it starts to fly and bite her.

*Fanta screams and runs out*

But nobody believes her, “it must be one of her imaginations”, even if we don’t see Mac again. The paranormal events multiply…

*The Aunt ate Mac’s eye*

And Kung Fu fights some flying logs… After that… She still thinks everything is normal. Are flying logs part of her training? Is she Sister Street Fighter’s sister?

*The Aunt dances with a skeleton*

I love how the movie takes its time to develop its particular atmosphere. Instead of being used as a resource to generate tension, it’s almost like one of those feel-good movies that pretend to tenderize.

*The cat plays the song*

TEXT: The first Keyboard Cat

*The Aunt laughs*

As sudden as that, the tone itself fights back. It becomes aggressive, it YTPs itself, it’s like the music itself got angry…

*Sweet screams*

…Angles become crazy, and Kung Fu can’t defend her because she’s in another room.

*Fanta imagines her teacher rescuing her in a horse like “Bolivar the Hero”*

-You and the tyranny you represent will be buried right here!

*The fantasy ends*

A con of this film could be the effects sometimes not having any kind of artistic purpose. For example, this sequence has less frame-rate for some reason. I suppose it’s an intentionally stilted way of telling now the girls know they are in a haunted house. Prof tries to find a rational explanation, like the doors closing with a mechanized system. Her name is supposedly Prof because she’s smart like a professor, not because she raps like Proof:

For you, this is a problem
For me, a profession
For them, I am the Prof
But for you, a professor.

Gorgeous has been completely possessed by her little aunt and Melody plays the piano until she fuses with a chroma. As soon as there is a moment of relief…

*A man comes out of nowhere eating noodles*

And a bear… there’s always a bear…

You are the bamboo of this panda
It’s Nelson against Jimbo,
Buddy, I brought jumbo combos.

Gorgeous speaks from the more beyond and briefly explains the plot:

I… am in my little aunt’s world.

Fortunately, Kung Fu is there to solve everything. Until she is attacked by a telephone and she has to fight possessed Gorgeous. I could try to describe the succession of scenes, but I wouldn’t do the justice. This is a film you have to watch by yourself to believe. And the third act is out of its mind, compensating all the slow scenes.

“I will be waiting for you with Snowflake on my arms… on this house. Snowflake! Snowflake!”

10 seconds later…

*A lamp attacks Kung Fu*

50 seconds later…

*Prof and Fanta try to help Kung Fu*

5 seconds later…


-One of the best quotes in the entire film is: Bananas bananas bananas bananas…


*Bananas bananas bananas bananas*

It’s not another random gag of the film. We later see the teacher has turned into a pile of bananas.

-I’m having flashbacks. It’s a lot of fun.

-Well, thank you!

-Thank you!

*Snowflake meows*


Hausu is a complete cult film, perfect to watch with company. It didn’t receive a proper distribution until it became part of The Criterion Collection, describing it as the link between Suspiria and Evil Dead. If both films had remakes-slash-sequels, I would love if any talented director reimagined Hausu integrating new visual styles.

<-Cameo of the director

The director, Nobuhiko Obayashi, who surprisingly still makes films nowadays, asked her daughter Chigumi, who was a little kid back then, to help him inventing situations adults couldn’t fear. That’s why the deaths are not rational and the special effects look like they were cropped by a little kid. Hausu is its own thing. Even in its moment was groundbreaking and inspired a manga… And millions of cat videos online.

This video has been both like a pilot for this fourth year of Bizarre March and what I would do if I return to Bilbao Series Land or similar. Obviously, with shorter and multiple analysis to cover more films. Thank you for watching, comment and share so I can publish in four days, the next…